i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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