I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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