our cab driver is having phone sex.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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