The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
