The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
