you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize