you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
