That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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