i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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