did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
