remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
