I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She even gives head with a lisp.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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