1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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