her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
