whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
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You. Win. At. Life.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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