Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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