You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
