there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
