dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize