I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
