Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
