Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
