The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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