I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
