i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
