I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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