Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
