Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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