I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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