I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
