Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
