how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
