I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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