You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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