all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
