Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
