those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
