can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
how drunk are you?
Several
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
