What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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