dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
