I wish I could teleport
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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