hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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