Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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