Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
