what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
