I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
