You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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