In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
