I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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