Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
