This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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