also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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