Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
