Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i dont even know how to be here
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize
