Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
