My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Dear god my vagina.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
