I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
