Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
