We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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